Jamie
On losing Carrie
Being a teacher, returning to work after the summer is always a strange feeling, which can be hard for others to understand. On one hand, you dread going back because you will miss the relative freedom of the summer. On the other, you are refreshed and starting a new school year is an energizing and exciting time where you get to have a fresh start with new classes, with a clean sheet. It is definitely a hope-filled time. I remember returning to work after my sister passed. It had been about 6 weeks, and all of the other teachers were sharing how great their summers were and how they felt relaxed and somewhat ready to get a new school year started. I felt the exact opposite. In getting my stuff ready for my classes, I felt like I had been hit by a truck. The grief and sadness was like a ton of bricks weighing me down. I was avoiding co-workers I had known for years because I didn’t want to talk about my summer or lie to them and say I had a great summer. I think I did a decent enough job faking it, but I was a lost soul that fall.
It all happened so fast. Especially in retrospect. It was Thanksgiving when we found out she was sick. She had major surgery in December, went through chemo and ticked all the boxes to recovery. But when she was supposed to start getting better, she didn’t. There were bucket list trips that some of my family went on with her. I didn’t, and I regret these missed opportunities to this day. I guess you could say that I never lost hope, but I was blind to reality at the same time. In my heart I truly believed modern medicine would help her get better. And it hit me like a ton of bricks. I did all the right things you’re supposed to do afterwards. But I struggled with things I still struggle with.
As I returned to real life and my new normal, I worried about how I would answer when someone asked me how many siblings I have. How could I answer that without all of the feelings coming back? Looking back, it seems so stupid and obvious. I have 4 sisters. I always have. Being the only boy with 4 sisters is part of my being. For example, if someone gets mad because the toilet seat was left up, I proudly announce it couldn’t have been me. I have 4 sisters and I had that knocked out of me as a kid. Kidding aside, that question still makes all the feelings come back. It’s been almost 10 years and they still come back. Every time.
Hole in the Family is a fitting name, because that’s how I feel. At family gatherings, there is always story-telling, moving between conversations, and lots of laughter. But through it all, there is an unspoken sadness in the room. We all feel it. We all know it. But it isn’t often brought up. We all miss our big sister. Immensely. Everyday.
I’m a much more emotional person now. It was like a switch. I find myself belting out songs in the car (by myself of course) and I get choked up. Sibling relationships are a different kind of relationship. You fight when you’re young, you drift apart at times in life, but it is a special bond. You lead somewhat parallel lives. Siblings are supposed to journey alongside you throughout life. I look at my own children and can’t even begin to imagine either of them without the other.
I feel guilty that I am now older than she ever was. I miss our phone conversations. I miss her wisdom and advice. I miss her unique mix of practicality, dreaming, and positive outlook on life. I miss our family gatherings being a little bit bigger. Most of all, I am just sad. I am especially sad for my parents. But Carrie wouldn’t want us to feel guilty. She was, and is, eternally selfless. She always put everyone before herself. Like her phone message used to say at the end, have a great day. Feeling a little bit heavier after writing this, that’s what I will try to do.