Jamie On: How do I support others who have lost a sibling?
Should I share my experience? If so, when is the right time to share?
Since I wrote my first reflection on this Substack, a colleague at work unfortunately had a sibling, her brother, go into hospice and pass away shortly thereafter. This brought up a difficult—but interesting—mix of emotions. Empathy, of course, because I’d been in a similar situation. But I couldn’t figure out how to communicate that to my colleague, or even if it would be helpful to do so. I couldn’t figure out how to support my colleague without making it about me.
A few times, she had mentioned her brother wasn’t well, but since I find it incredibly difficult and awkward to bring up the fact that I have lost a sibling, all I did was try to listen and offer support where possible. Hearing about my colleague’s experience made me think about how it was when Carrie was in hospice, all of us being there to support her and each other while waiting for the horrible, inevitable outcome. Hospice workers are so kind and caring and go way above and beyond for the patients and families in their care. Every person I met while Carrie was in hospice was so gentle, yet so informative and to the point, while explaining what was happening and what was likely to happen next, all while dealing with their own emotions in an extremely challenging job. The nurses and support staff at hospice care facilities truly deserve to be thought of as saints. I hoped my colleague and her family had the same kind and caring support.
After some time away, my colleague returned to work and I offered words of sympathy, compassion, and support. I gently asked about her brother and tried to be a kind listening ear to help her transition back to the realities of work. I badly wanted to share that I could understand some of what she was going through, but I didn’t. I’m not sure if I made the right decision, but it felt right at the time. I think someday the time will be right to talk with her about it more, to share my experience of losing Carrie, but I don’t want to insert myself into her grieving process at this point.
Somewhat connected to this, I have a close friend who lost a brother when we were in our late 20’s. You might think we talk about our commonality now, but we don’t. Maybe it’s because we’re men and struggle with sharing our emotions, or maybe it’s me, and I’m a bad friend. I’m not really sure. Just like with my colleague, I feel like sharing my experience would somehow be making my friend’s loss about me and I don’t know if it is the right thing to do. I guess this is something I should unpack with a councillor, but like I said, I guess I follow the male stereotype and struggle with talking about my emotions.
When my sister told us about creating this Substack, I shuddered at the thought of writing about some of my deepest emotions. But while I still struggle with the writing part of things, it has been helpful to unpack my thoughts and feelings. I also think it has helped me connect with my sisters about the unspoken topic at family events.
Maybe someday I will be able to talk to my colleague, my friend, and others about their loss, too. Maybe it would be helpful not only to me, but to them, as well.