Roseann
On Losing Carrie
What is it like losing a sister? Losing a sister at any age is hard.
I had over 30 years of memories with my sister — and she had 15
years of life in our family before I was even born. I grew up hearing
stories about our family from before I existed, stories I can’t
personally remember but that still feel like part of me. Those
memories, both mine and the ones passed down to me, have shaped who I
am today.
I’m the youngest of five. I share that “youngest” title with my twin,
who is exactly 14 minutes older than me. I also have a brother who is
six years older and two older sisters who are 12 and 15 years older.
This has always been my story whenever someone asks about my family or
when I need to share something about myself. I usually tell it with a
smile because, first, it’s all I’ve ever known, and second, I truly
love my family.
Some of my best memories are simply of us being together — family
gatherings, inside jokes, the loudness of it all. Even if I grumbled
about it at times, especially when I was younger and embarrassed for
no real reason, those moments are woven into the fabric of my life.
They’re the memories I carry with me, and they make this loss feel so
much deeper.
My sister Carrie, who passed, was a role model to me. She guided me
through childhood, my tough teenage years, and into my 20s and early
30s. I floundered for a bit during those years, but I eventually found
my footing — or at least my version of it. She never got to see this
version of me, the person I am today. Have I changed? I’m not sure.
Maybe I have. Or maybe this is who she always knew I would become.
What hurts the most is knowing I will never be able to talk it through
with her — about this or anything else. I have so many unanswered
questions, ideas, and memories I want to revisit. I just know she
would have answers, the kind only a big sister can give. For all of
this and so much more, I will always miss her.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts about your loss, especially the part that your sister will never know who you've become. I often think about what my brother would be like today. What his kids would have been like. How wonderful it would have been for my kids to have cousins to play with. Losing a sibling is a loss of future, isn't it? A loss of what might have been.